Everything goes wrong or just me only.

For the past few days,nothing goes smoothly for me.For the 2 days,i had been finding fault at him.I thought I'll be fine since I had told him my unhappiness on monday mornie through email.I thought everything had come to an end.

But I am wrong.And I only realised it during my visit to him on the same day coz he is not feeling well and my heart aches.By skipping my evening class,i thought of surprising him with my appearance at his doorstep.Instead, i think i surprised myself bcoz.....

For that whole evening,esp to the end when i was about to leave him though i am so reluctant,i feel that i had wasting my time to travel all the way from RP to TM.For the mmt when i had decided to do it, i only thought of do not want him to feel the same way he was being treated in the past.Though many times he will tell me,it does not really matter.But i just wanna to shower him with lots of love whenever i can do so.

but somehow i just duno why every words from his mouth don't suit my hearing that evening.Every words he said seem to tell me I am just too over-reacting.I start to throw temper at him.And i think i really mean it..Not sure did i shock him or rather did i piss him off.From then onwards,i start to pick on the words he used and show unhappy expression to him.

i know this is the end.I had to leave as we had nothing to talk anymore.At least I know I had nothing to talk to him anymore coz it going to be every words i say will be a hurting and sarcastic ones.

And whenever this happens,my journey from TM to BG is always the most sadist one after that.I just do not know why i can cry that easily and shamelessly.My eye just so pain but the tears cannot stop flowing.so sickening of myself.

I start to think what is wrong with me.or what went worng between us?What is it i am angry about?Why till today i still feel with gallons of jealous over that issue?Why am i wanting to hear something i like to hear and yet it would be hurting at the same time?Why am i behaving this way these days?

Many times,i wanted to hear his voices so much but whenever phone connected,i start to sound displeased on the phone.With such attitude,how will he want to continue the talk with me.

And the worst part is he will away soon.After so long,i will be spending this weekend alone.although it going to be a short one but i just refused to face the fact that it happening soon.

Maybe you will tell me it better to treasure the days both of you have now before he is leaving.I know this very well too.Sometime i was thinking if i going to keep on behaving in such attitude till he leaves.Will he give up on me when he return?

"which one bring more happiness? to love or being love?"

I want to love him but will it last as long as i wanted to......What is it that i need to search so hard...what is it that i still dun get from him..or its does not belong to me at all..